The Men You'll Meet Climbing

The Men You'll Meet Climbing

Making light and laughs at the kind of male climbers you see floating around.

Image source: Patricia Alexandre

Image source: Patricia Alexandre

The Beta-spraying Pickup Artist

Found almost exclusively indoors. Actively seek out unknown attractive females to instigate conversation by the beta-spraying method. i.e. Providing unsolicited advice how to climb a route. Also prone to beta-spraying other males in order to demonstrate dominance. Will at times follow perceived female 'sweet ass' around the gym to find opportunities to spray beta, and/or acquire female's  given name in order to stalk on social media. 

Conservation Status: Least Concern (LC)

Office Lens 20161108-080113.jpg
Office Lens 20161107-235843.jpg

The Narcissist

Predominantly found lurking climbing and bouldering gyms alike but can be spotted at outdoor sport crags most weekends. Typical stance involves either folded arms or hands on hips. Usually without a shirt. Even in chilling conditions with nipples so erect, you would mistake them as a place to hang your chalk bag. 
To avoid feeling emasculated, will typically seek out much younger women who are either new to the sport or aren't as strong. 
Rarely pass a certain level in climbing progression due to embedded belief they are too naturally talented for training and hard work. Overlapping characteristics with 'Beta-spraying Pickup Artists'.

Conservation Status: Least Concern (LC)

 

The Noob

Office Lens 20161108-120548.jpg

Ultimately mean well and are usually enthusiastic. But often make you think to yourself: 'What. The. Fuck. Are. You Doing?' or if teaching them: 'Oh why the fuck did I sign up for this?'. Maybe they try and crimp on an extremely small footer, put a harness over their head, strut around in Vibram Five Finger shoes or get tangled while flaking a rope.

Status: Conservation Dependent (CD)

 

The Hipster

Office Lens 20161108-122108.jpg

Sports either a top-knot or a beard. Probably both. Likes to ingest overpriced craft beer and gastronomical meals after a session. May or may not wear chinos or lycra. If they are vegan, you know already because they've told you. Likes slack-lining whilst consuming fruit. Key diet consists of: Coffee. Kale. Quinoa. Some other fucking health food.

Conservation Status: Least Concern (LC)

 
8 Nov 2016 12 26 35 PM.png

The Dirt Bag

Scruffy looking. Dirt Bags can be confused with hipsters. But usually, lack of personal hygiene and absence of lycra are key indicators. Dirtbags will offer you a space on their couch ( if they had one). But are usually crashing on someone else's. Rarely own a car. Often complain about the global warming effects of motor vehicles and promote the use of public transport. However, will always expect a lift to the crag in your car. 

Conservation Status: Endangered (EN)

 
Office Lens 20161108-080750.jpg

The Addict

Simultaneously in a loving (yet at times frustrating) relationship with climbing. BUT If given the ultimatum to choose climbing or sex, they will pick climbing. May give into the ultimate fashion accessory - belay glasses- to save themselves from vulture neck. Trains religiously and seriously. Ironically, has the stamina of a trail runner and the libido of a 16-year-old teenage boy. But due to continual crushing, don't consider pussy chasing or ego tripping pastimes they'd enjoy as much as sending a project. Addicted to caffeine. 

Conservation Status: Vulnerable (VU)

Jugs & Other Climbing Double Entendres